A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
There r osticjed everywhere
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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