Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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