There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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