Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
