She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
