If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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