your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
