Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Bring me that man meat
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
