Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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