First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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