This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im having a threesome with these popsicles
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
