Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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