I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
