The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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