Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
