i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
