she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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