Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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