Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
