My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
