do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
