I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
