I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
