watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?