So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
