Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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