i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
