There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
