hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
