eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
