The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
