i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
