At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
