Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
