i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
