Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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