end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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