ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
