Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
