I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
