I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
