So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
