my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize