I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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