so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
