But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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