my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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