I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Panties = found
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
