I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
