Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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