Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
