Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
