Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
