I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
