Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
