Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
