I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
