I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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