Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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