I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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