it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
