I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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